Within the Bounds the Lord has Set

Just a warning... this post is a little more serious than those previously.

Recently, I read a post from a woman's blog that indicated her stance on Masturbation.  Although I wholeheartedly agree that there is too much shame going around in the church (and by all means... LDS-ers do not have a capital on that... Shame abounds regardless of religious denomination), I respectfully, have a different point of view.

In the article, Ms. Parker uses the research that even babies in the womb are found to be self stimulating and thus such behavior is natural.  If we use that argument we could also say that Marijuana or tobacco is a plant and thus natural, wine comes from grapes and so it is natural, coffee comes from a bean and that is natural too.  Thus many of the things that the Lord has commanded us not to partake in are natural.

King Benjamin taught, "The natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord." (Mosiah 3:19).

In my profession, I work with many individuals who struggle with sexual addiction. In 99% of the cases, their struggles began as youth with masturbation.  In the majority of those cases, pornography was also a significant part of their behavior.  Within the past 10 years, there has been tremendous amounts of research showing how compulsive masturbation and viewing pornography does significant damage to the brain - comparable to the damage done by meth, cocaine, heroine, and other hard-core drugs. For more information on this, please check out this link.

In many of the individuals with whom I work who struggle with other addictions, I have found a similar pattern.  It started out with a "gateway" drug.  Something that didn't seem to be that big of a deal.  A couple of hits on a joint or a few glasses of alcohol.  And then they find themselves eventually in a place where they are unable to stop and their lives begin to fall apart as a consequence.


Obviously not everyone who smokes a joint or masturbates or drinks alcohol becomes addicted. However, when we look at the definition of addiction:  The use of any substance or behavior to numb pain or control how we feel that cannot be stopped even in light of significant consequences and whose life begins to be unmanageable as a result; and then we look at the world we live in and notice that we are the most addicted, most medicated, most in debt, and most obese adult cohort in the history of the world - we can see that there are a lot of people in this world finding ways to numb themselves from having to feel anything.

It is not my place to judge anyone's behavior.  As I said earlier, there is a tremendous amount of shame going around.  For me to say to someone, "You are bad or evil because you.....(fill in the blank)" is shameful.  As President Uchtdorf quoted, it would be like me judging you because you sin differently than me.  

It is the issue of numbing that I believe to be the prominent concern and that is why, I believe, that God has given us such commandments as the Word of Wisdom and the Law of Chasity.  When we are numb emotionally, we are also numb spiritually and then we become disconnected in all aspects of our lives. 

Ms. Parker correctly identified that a key component of sexual compulsions is a sense of disconnection or detachment from real relationships.  That detachment occurs gradually.  It occurs every time a person uses a behavior or a substance to control how they feel. And then over time, the individual is completely disconnected... in their marriages, in their jobs, in their friendships, in their congregations, etc.

I don't disagree that we are sexual beings.  So are all the other animals in the animal kingdom. But we also operate at a much higher level than all of the other animals in the animal kingdom. And with greater capacity to choose comes greater responsibility... especially with the ultimate power of creating life.  I don't think we fully comprehend the gift that has been given to us as His children to create life.  I don't think that that power should be mocked in any degree.

Of course it is natural to be interested in our own bodies and how they work. What I have found with many of the individuals with whom I work who struggle with sexual compulsions is that they really have very little knowledge and understanding of how their bodies actually work. They would get so caught up in the physical sensations of the behavior that they didn't really didn't pay attention to what else was going on.

Sexuality is part of intimacy.  There are a whole lot of people in this world that engage in sexual activity, but have little to no intimacy (including married couples).   Of course there is a need to understand ourselves and who we are before we can share that with others. At the same time, engaging in behaviors such as masturbation to soothe those feelings of loneliness and isolation can actually make things worse for the person - not because they have engaged in any sinful behaviors, but because their brains are releasing chemicals that have been designed to help them connect with others intimately and there is no one there to connect to.  It can leave them feeling more disconnected and more lonely, which leads them to engage in the behavior again and again... trying  to compensate for those painful feelings, but not actually getting any lasting resolution.

In my opinion, what it really boils down to is this.... is the behavior we are engaging in (regardless of the behavior) keeping us from having an intimate connection with our Heavenly Father?  This requires us to be more mindful about what is happening inside ourselves spiritually, emotionally, physically, etc.  But as I said earlier, most of the adults I know aren't that aware.  We all run around being busy, eating badly, hypnotized by electronic screens of one kind or another, and not really aware of what we are experiencing.  

And if we are numb, then how effective are we as husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, fathers, mothers, friends, and in being connected with our Heavenly Father?

Elder Holland spoke of the boundaries that the Lord has set.  A video by the LDS church summarizing his remarks follows:

I believe that Heavenly Father has establish boundaries to help us stay connected with Him.  When we step out of those bounds, even a little, we move away from Him.  His love for us does not diminish when we move away.  His desire to bless us does not diminish when we move away.  But our ability to feel Him as strongly in our lives is diminished.  Our ability to be fully aware of what is happening in our own bodies and minds is diminished.   Out ability to connect with other people is consequently diminished.  Crossing the line does not make us bad or evil... we just end up cutting ourselves off from the light source that I personally think we need desperately, especially in a world that has so much darkness in it as ours does today.

As a father, I understand boundaries.  There are rules and guidelines in my home for a reason.  Because I don't want my children to get hurt nor do I want their behaviors to hurt others.  What I want most for my children is for them to be as in tune to our Heavenly Father, His Son Jesus Christ, and to the Holy Ghost that they can feel the peace they will absolutely need during times of challenge; so they can be guided in making the best decisions possible along their journeys, so they can have as much love for their fellow journeyers as possible, and so they can feel as much connection with the Light and Love as possible.  

Because of this, we have rules in our home.  If my children break the rules, we try so hard not to shame them. Instead we try to work with them to help them understand what happens to them when they fall outside of the boundaries.  We try to help them begin to learn to act for themselves so that they will be fully prepared to govern themselves when they are able to do so independent of their earthly parents. What we hope is that they will not separate themselves from their Heavenly Parents or the Powers of Heaven that are available to them.




When I have a teen or an adult come into my office with a concern about a behavior they are engaging in, I explore with them how they feel after they have engaged in the behavior.  I don't tell them that they are bad or evil if they engage in such a behavior.  I don't quote scripture or judge them.  I work with them to help them figure out for themselves whether this behavior is helping them or hindering them from becoming the person they want to be.  If they decide that the behavior is causing them to numb themselves, then we begin to look deeper at what is going on in the person's life that would lead them to want to numb.  

As pointed out by Ms. Parker, currently the Church does not have an official statement about masturbation.  It is not my place to make a recommendation one way or the other about that.  I simply believe that if one is going to engage in that behavior (or any other for that matter) they be encouraged to do so mindfully, noticing what happens to them spiritually, emotionally, relationally, cognitively, and physically and then determine whether that behavior is helping to numb or enhance all of those areas of their lives.  Does such behavior help them feel more connected to God, their loved ones, and themselves, or does it cause them to feel less connected.    And if it causes a sense of disconnection, perhaps it would be important to examine that further.  It may be that although there is not an official statement about it from the church, the individual may determine to make it their own personal boundary statement because they find that engaging in such behavior causes them to feel disconnected instead of connected.