What is your Core?

Yesterday after my wife and I tramped out in the middle of the desert all morning (we are preparing to go a commemoration pioneer trek with the youth of our church to help them better understand the principles of faith, commitment, perseverance, and ultimately a reliance on our Savior, Jesus Christ), we were exhausted.  And if you haven't had the opportunity to meet our children, you really underestimate the amount of energy these two children have. Because we left all of our energy out next to two dying Sonoran catcus, we decided to take our kiddos to the movie Rise of the Guardians.

This isn't a movie review, though.  This is just a few of the thoughts that I had as I watched it.

At one point in the movie, Santa was speaking to Jack Frost about finding his center.... finding his core.  As I have worked with hundreds of clients, I have truly discovered just how crucial this task is.  Often times clients are trying to "find themselves".  I have wrestled with this terminology for a very long time, mostly because as eternal beings, coming up with a few sentences to describe ourselves just doesn't seem to do us justice, nor the God who created us.

However, when I think of the term "find our core", this I believe is realistic.  It is finding our mission. Our purpose.  Although we were sent to earth to learn and grow and return back to heaven, I also believe that we have a much deeper purpose.  My wife's grandma was known for saying, "Leave it better than you found it."  That rings in my ears as I consider my life here on earth.  Am I leaving it better than I found it.  For me,  finding my core has truly helped me have the passion and energy to continue forward.

In the movie, the darkness is seeking to overtake the world by destroying the faith of children.  Unfortunately, this is more fact than fiction.  However, the darkness could only be over come (spoiler alert) by living true and resonating with one's core.

One of Pitch Black's tactics was the use of shame.  "What will others think of you?".... "You failed".  His strategy was to cause fear instead of faith.  Again, the correlations to real life seem quite apparent. It is a tactic that I see played out daily. The fear to be real, the fear to stand up, the fear to say no. The lies are quite convincing.  And as the lies are believed the world just gets darker.  

But when Jack finally comprehends what his core is by exploring his past, (by the way... as a therapist, I loved that!), he was able to join with others who also knew their core and together fight the darkness.  One of the most powerful lines of the movie was as Jack was speaking to Pitch, "I believe in you. I'm just not afraid of you anymore."  It is when we truly comprehend our core that we have the courage to no longer be afraid.

There are many other messages that stood out to me from the film, but the last one I want to point out is the desire to be seen.  (Another spoiler alert)  Throughout the movie, Jack longs to be seen by the children, but they can't see him.  It is that fact that Pitch uses to try to destroy Jack.  In the end of the movie, however, the children are able to see Jack... and they love him.

The analogy for this one runs deeply for me.  There is a desire in many people to be noticed and appreciated by others.  It isn't an egotistical attitude or even a selfish one.  I think it comes from that same place of doubt, fear, and shame that causes people to see themselves as less than they truly are.  And so they look to others hoping for validation.  "Am I a good enough husband, wife, father, mother, employee, etc."  "Do you see me?   Do you see the good in me?"  

It is deeper than worrying what someone else thinks.  It is the desire to be seen, and more importantly, loved.  It is the antidote to shame.... Do you see me and do you love me?  It is what makes connections possible.  I see you and you see me and we both like/appreciate/love/accept what we see without judgment. 

The feeling to be seen most commonly shows up when we are feeling lonely.  We look out into the grandness of the world and wonder if anyone truly knows if we even exist.  And then when we feel seen, when someone pays attention to us, or reaches out to connect with us, it is one of the most magical feelings on the planet.

For me, the movie taught some pretty deep lessons.  Lessons that I hope my children will hold on to as they grow up:

1. They are someone special and have been sent here with a purpose.

2. Part of their journey on this planet  is to discover their purpose and then fulfill it to their best ability.

3. They don't have to journey on this world alone.... there are others who will support and love them.

4. Beware of the lies from the darkness that will try to shut out understanding of the principles of faith, individual worth, and true identity.

5. When we are authentic, we also allow ourselves to be seen and loved by others.

6. It is our responsibility to love others as well.

And all of that from a kids movie....  Who would have thought?

And the Multitude Gave Way

As I was reading my scriptures this morning, I came across a sentence that I have never noticed before.  I was reading in the Book of Mormon the account of when Jesus Christ appeared to the Nephites after he had been resurrected. He had just finished healing all those who were afflicted with any ailment or sickness.  He then invited the children to come unto Him.

And the record reads: So they brought their little children and set them down upon the ground round about him, and Jesus stood in the midst; and the multitude gave way till they had all been brought unto him. (Vs. 12)

The words that stood out to me were "And the multitude gave way till they all had been brought unto him."  In my own words that meant that they got out of the way.  They moved back to allow those little ones the chance to be with the Light of the World.

The more I sat with that sentence the more profound it was to me.  I began to ask myself, "Self... how often do I get in the way of someone else coming unto Christ?"  

I began to contemplate how I get in the way.  There are many ways that I could come up with... Selfishness, inflexibility, trying to control the situation, lashing out in anger, judging others, refusing to ask for forgiveness... I could go on.

As I sat with this further, I realized that those who got out of the way had already had a remarkable experience with Him. They had each had the opportunity to spend a few minutes individually with Him, feeling the prints in His hands and feet.  They had been given His sacrament blessed by Him, and then they had been healed.

But the little ones also needed chance to be with Him too.  I can image them trying to get a look at him by reaching up on their tip toes to look over shoulders or between legs to see Him.  Parents were likely encouraging them to be still and listen - not unlike what happens at church.

But then He invited them to come unto Him and they began to come.  And the multitude got out of the way.

A few months back, we put my son in T-ball.  This was his first experience with an organized sport. He was excited and he was 5.  If a plane flew over, he would stop in the middle of a practice and look over head.  He was very distractible.  He struggled to listen to the coaches and did his own thing (like any typical 5 year old).  

His behavior stirred something up inside of me.  I wanted him to be really good at this sport.  I needed him to be good at this sport.  I had never played in an organized sport my entire childhood (okay, I played one game of soccer in the 1st grade and then quit... so that doesn't count).  I knew how the lack of playing in such sports had affected me in my ability to connect with the boys in school.  I didn't want my son to have to experience that kind of disconnection.

And so I would jump right in and tell him what to do.  "Ben, stand over here!'  "Ben, hold the bat this way."  "Ben, run!"  Every time he wasn't doing it right, I would get involved and tell him what to do.  And then I looked around.  All of the other parents were sitting back in their folding chairs, just letting the coach handle things.  At that moment, I realized that I was trying to control my son and needed to get out of the way.

And so I let Ben be Ben.  I sat with the other parents and watched as my son grew and learned with the other children.  He started to have fun because I got out of his way. And the truth is... I had a better experience too.  I was more relaxed and at peace.

I learned a valuable lesson...  there are times when it is necessary to guide, support, encourage, and teach each other along the path.  And there are times to get out of the way.  

In the experience in the Book of Mormon, the Savior Himself had invited the children to come unto Him.  Had I been there, I wouldn't have needed to tell my son or daughter to "sit down" or "be quiet" ... I would have just let them be them and let Him be in charge of the situation.

It is a form of surrender that I had not really considered much.  There are times in which I just need to get out of the way.  

In the Book of Mormon account, the experience became one of the most sacred of all accounts - so much so that there were not words to really record what happened.  Angels came and ministered to the children, Jesus Christ prayed for them:

"And the things which he prayed cannot be written ... and after this manner do they bear record: The ^aeye hath never seen, neither hath the ear heard, before, so great and marvelous things as we saw and heard Jesus speak unto the Father; and no ^atongue can speak, neither can there be written by any man, neither can the hearts of men conceive so great and marvelous things as we both saw and heard Jesus speak; and no one can conceive of the joy which filled our souls at the time we heard him pray for us unto the Father."

All of this occurred, in part, because the multitude got  out of the way.

Now days mormons are taking center stage

The Hunger Games

The first of the Hunger Games Trilogy came out a few nights ago.  I really liked the books and the movie was good too.   But I just have to say the whole concept is disturbing.  Humans hunting humans while the world watches...

I think that what disturbs me the most is that our society isn't that far off from actually doing something like this.

Television is full of reality TV shows.  Dancing with the Stars, American Idol, Housewives from everywhere, and Jersey Shore to name a few. Do we not have enough creative energy left to actually write something fresh?  Instead, we follow people around watching them make fools of themselves, or voting each other off, or having an emotional moment.

My wife and I have been watching The Biggest Loser to inspire ourselves to become healthy. At the same time, the parallels to shows that vote people off and the Hunger Games do not allude me.

It starts out with a group of chosen ones... a select few from across the country.  They participate in a training program to ready themselves for the show down. Then the Nation watches as contestants battle each other.  Show producers will add challenges and temptations to enhance the drama. In the end, only one person survives.

Am I talking about Hunger Games or Survivor or American Idol?

What is it that draws us to these types of entertainment? Romans would watch their own version of the Hunger Games with the Gladiators.  But we are not that sadistic... are we? 

We laugh ours heads off at shows like Wipeout. Advertisers spend millions during the Superbowl as we watch men battle it out on a field with a pigskin.  We just finished watching the world compete during the Olympics.

I am not saying that any of this bad or good.  I am simply noticing that we are a nation of spectators watching other people living their lives on a global scale.  And I notice just how closely we actually resemble the futuristic nation in the Hunger Games.  I am convinced we really aren't that far removed.

People struggle with all kinds of problems - financial problems, health problems, relationship problems, emotional problems, addiction problems.... But the world as a whole doesn't really pay much attention.  The people in the Capital of Panem live their lives of luxury and superficiality choosing not to recognize or see the struggles of each of the various districts.  Attempts to raise awareness and fight for freedoms are shot down and punished with deeper levels of bureaucracy.

Perhaps that is why so many people have been drawn to the books and the movies... they see a little bit of us in it.  It makes me reflect on whether I am being a spectator or a participant in my own novel. It makes me want to try harder to make a difference in the world.

Just a thought, but now I have to go... Pysch is on.

Emotional Wak-A-Mole

Testimony meeting is my nemesis.  I typically press my forehead against the bench in front of me, so no one can see my smirks and rolling eyes.  I’ve been known to laugh attack myself right out of the meeting.  In contrast I often do it to hide tears and protect my manhood, holding back a steady stream of emotional diarrhea.  Testimony meeting exposes my inability to control my emotions.   It provokes me, moves me, silences me and irritates me.  It’s like emotional Wak-A-Mole, metaphorically taking random swings at my flighty disposition.   I feel cheated, defenselessly stuck in a pew between fragile toddlers and expected to display charitable good will as illustrated by receptive facial expressions.

In addition testimony meeting is like Russian roulette, firing anecdotes and stories at an unsuspecting audience with an occasional misfire. It allows the unflinching thoughts of random people to unleash what they deem to be spiritually pertinent.  Each person’s perception of what’s spiritually relevant is what dictates the flow of each meeting.   In most cases, the random stories are benign and expressed with good intent.  But some meetings, the concaved indentation on my forehead says it all.

The argument that the gospel is perfect and the members are not is never more readily understood then in testimony meeting.  Vibrant glass-half-fullers edify with positivity, paranoid doomsdayers express their disguised skepticism, and those in between, share through individualized nuances, glimpses into their own spiritual journeys.  I feel like it’s this imperfection that makes church work for me.  It’s the imperfection that makes it perfect. 

As my throbbing forehead presses the hard wood I listen as the stories and testimonies detail sadness, hope, triumph and faith.  A hodgepodge of people commonly linked by geography opening themselves to each other like some sort of group therapy session.  It’s both awkward and invigorating.  I cringe, cry, laugh, grimace and secretly mock.  The human condition is filled with fear, doubt and insecurity.  It’s also filled with courage, pride and ego; and combined with an open microphone, it can be telling. 

Testimony meeting is a freestanding invitation to share openly.  In my last ward, several members stood and declared themselves addicts and pinpointed exact years and months of sobriety.  They seemed to instill a great deal of support from one another.  Unabashedly and without shame some share secrets and personal matters as if everyone in the meeting needs to know.  One mother pleas for prayers for her rebellious teen, another man plants seeds of his political agenda to run for office in the fall.  A five year old “buries” her testimony deep into the hearts of the congregation and tells the audience her dying daddy is sick and will be better soon.    It’s the sharing that evokes emotion and helps us all feel connected.  Helps us feel needed and loved.  Perfecting the saints, right.   

My forehead presses harder, tears swell and start to trickle.  Ego urges my eyes to stay fixed at the broken cheerios on the carpet floor.   Don’t look up.  Don’t let anyone see me.  Nobody can know I’m human after all.   

Within the Bounds the Lord has Set

Just a warning... this post is a little more serious than those previously.

Recently, I read a post from a woman's blog that indicated her stance on Masturbation.  Although I wholeheartedly agree that there is too much shame going around in the church (and by all means... LDS-ers do not have a capital on that... Shame abounds regardless of religious denomination), I respectfully, have a different point of view.

In the article, Ms. Parker uses the research that even babies in the womb are found to be self stimulating and thus such behavior is natural.  If we use that argument we could also say that Marijuana or tobacco is a plant and thus natural, wine comes from grapes and so it is natural, coffee comes from a bean and that is natural too.  Thus many of the things that the Lord has commanded us not to partake in are natural.

King Benjamin taught, "The natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord." (Mosiah 3:19).

In my profession, I work with many individuals who struggle with sexual addiction. In 99% of the cases, their struggles began as youth with masturbation.  In the majority of those cases, pornography was also a significant part of their behavior.  Within the past 10 years, there has been tremendous amounts of research showing how compulsive masturbation and viewing pornography does significant damage to the brain - comparable to the damage done by meth, cocaine, heroine, and other hard-core drugs. For more information on this, please check out this link.

In many of the individuals with whom I work who struggle with other addictions, I have found a similar pattern.  It started out with a "gateway" drug.  Something that didn't seem to be that big of a deal.  A couple of hits on a joint or a few glasses of alcohol.  And then they find themselves eventually in a place where they are unable to stop and their lives begin to fall apart as a consequence.


Obviously not everyone who smokes a joint or masturbates or drinks alcohol becomes addicted. However, when we look at the definition of addiction:  The use of any substance or behavior to numb pain or control how we feel that cannot be stopped even in light of significant consequences and whose life begins to be unmanageable as a result; and then we look at the world we live in and notice that we are the most addicted, most medicated, most in debt, and most obese adult cohort in the history of the world - we can see that there are a lot of people in this world finding ways to numb themselves from having to feel anything.

It is not my place to judge anyone's behavior.  As I said earlier, there is a tremendous amount of shame going around.  For me to say to someone, "You are bad or evil because you.....(fill in the blank)" is shameful.  As President Uchtdorf quoted, it would be like me judging you because you sin differently than me.  

It is the issue of numbing that I believe to be the prominent concern and that is why, I believe, that God has given us such commandments as the Word of Wisdom and the Law of Chasity.  When we are numb emotionally, we are also numb spiritually and then we become disconnected in all aspects of our lives. 

Ms. Parker correctly identified that a key component of sexual compulsions is a sense of disconnection or detachment from real relationships.  That detachment occurs gradually.  It occurs every time a person uses a behavior or a substance to control how they feel. And then over time, the individual is completely disconnected... in their marriages, in their jobs, in their friendships, in their congregations, etc.

I don't disagree that we are sexual beings.  So are all the other animals in the animal kingdom. But we also operate at a much higher level than all of the other animals in the animal kingdom. And with greater capacity to choose comes greater responsibility... especially with the ultimate power of creating life.  I don't think we fully comprehend the gift that has been given to us as His children to create life.  I don't think that that power should be mocked in any degree.

Of course it is natural to be interested in our own bodies and how they work. What I have found with many of the individuals with whom I work who struggle with sexual compulsions is that they really have very little knowledge and understanding of how their bodies actually work. They would get so caught up in the physical sensations of the behavior that they didn't really didn't pay attention to what else was going on.

Sexuality is part of intimacy.  There are a whole lot of people in this world that engage in sexual activity, but have little to no intimacy (including married couples).   Of course there is a need to understand ourselves and who we are before we can share that with others. At the same time, engaging in behaviors such as masturbation to soothe those feelings of loneliness and isolation can actually make things worse for the person - not because they have engaged in any sinful behaviors, but because their brains are releasing chemicals that have been designed to help them connect with others intimately and there is no one there to connect to.  It can leave them feeling more disconnected and more lonely, which leads them to engage in the behavior again and again... trying  to compensate for those painful feelings, but not actually getting any lasting resolution.

In my opinion, what it really boils down to is this.... is the behavior we are engaging in (regardless of the behavior) keeping us from having an intimate connection with our Heavenly Father?  This requires us to be more mindful about what is happening inside ourselves spiritually, emotionally, physically, etc.  But as I said earlier, most of the adults I know aren't that aware.  We all run around being busy, eating badly, hypnotized by electronic screens of one kind or another, and not really aware of what we are experiencing.  

And if we are numb, then how effective are we as husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, fathers, mothers, friends, and in being connected with our Heavenly Father?

Elder Holland spoke of the boundaries that the Lord has set.  A video by the LDS church summarizing his remarks follows:

I believe that Heavenly Father has establish boundaries to help us stay connected with Him.  When we step out of those bounds, even a little, we move away from Him.  His love for us does not diminish when we move away.  His desire to bless us does not diminish when we move away.  But our ability to feel Him as strongly in our lives is diminished.  Our ability to be fully aware of what is happening in our own bodies and minds is diminished.   Out ability to connect with other people is consequently diminished.  Crossing the line does not make us bad or evil... we just end up cutting ourselves off from the light source that I personally think we need desperately, especially in a world that has so much darkness in it as ours does today.

As a father, I understand boundaries.  There are rules and guidelines in my home for a reason.  Because I don't want my children to get hurt nor do I want their behaviors to hurt others.  What I want most for my children is for them to be as in tune to our Heavenly Father, His Son Jesus Christ, and to the Holy Ghost that they can feel the peace they will absolutely need during times of challenge; so they can be guided in making the best decisions possible along their journeys, so they can have as much love for their fellow journeyers as possible, and so they can feel as much connection with the Light and Love as possible.  

Because of this, we have rules in our home.  If my children break the rules, we try so hard not to shame them. Instead we try to work with them to help them understand what happens to them when they fall outside of the boundaries.  We try to help them begin to learn to act for themselves so that they will be fully prepared to govern themselves when they are able to do so independent of their earthly parents. What we hope is that they will not separate themselves from their Heavenly Parents or the Powers of Heaven that are available to them.




When I have a teen or an adult come into my office with a concern about a behavior they are engaging in, I explore with them how they feel after they have engaged in the behavior.  I don't tell them that they are bad or evil if they engage in such a behavior.  I don't quote scripture or judge them.  I work with them to help them figure out for themselves whether this behavior is helping them or hindering them from becoming the person they want to be.  If they decide that the behavior is causing them to numb themselves, then we begin to look deeper at what is going on in the person's life that would lead them to want to numb.  

As pointed out by Ms. Parker, currently the Church does not have an official statement about masturbation.  It is not my place to make a recommendation one way or the other about that.  I simply believe that if one is going to engage in that behavior (or any other for that matter) they be encouraged to do so mindfully, noticing what happens to them spiritually, emotionally, relationally, cognitively, and physically and then determine whether that behavior is helping to numb or enhance all of those areas of their lives.  Does such behavior help them feel more connected to God, their loved ones, and themselves, or does it cause them to feel less connected.    And if it causes a sense of disconnection, perhaps it would be important to examine that further.  It may be that although there is not an official statement about it from the church, the individual may determine to make it their own personal boundary statement because they find that engaging in such behavior causes them to feel disconnected instead of connected.
 

 

A Bitter Sweet Night

By Troy Love

It has been the tradition in our family for me to give Elizabeth a Father's blessing the night before school starts. Because school starts tomorrow, our tradition happened again tonight.  Only this time it wasn't just Elizabeth.

My energetic and full of life little Benjamin starts Kindergarten tomorrow morning.  He enters into a whole new world in less than 24 hours. 

I read something recently that from the moment children come into the world, parents begin to have opportunities to learn to let go.  It doesn't happen all at once, but little by little, year by year parents begin to let go. 

Even though I want to hold on to both of my children so tightly and protect them from the world, I am also very aware of how smothering will only keep them from being who they are.  Steven Stosny identified five core needs we have as humans: the need for appreciation, acceptance, affection, affirmation, and being allowed to be ourselves.  I know how important these needs are in my life and I also know how much my kids need these met as well.

Prior to giving them their blessings, I sat down with each of my kids individually.  Ben informed me that he wasn't afraid to go to Kindergarten and that he is excited about playing on the playground.  He said he was excited to meet new friends.

Elizabeth was more curious. She wanted to know what memories I had from second grade.  Perhaps my most memorable memory was the morning I ran to school because I was late. It was a cold winter morning and by the time I got to school, I was so hot. I thought that a good lick from the cold handrail would cool me down... not so much. My tongue froze to the metal and I had to rip it off in order to get to class.

Elizabeth said that she too was not nervous about going back to school other than wanting to get good grades.  She described the anxiety she feels to get A's in school is like having butterflies exploding on her insides.  She is only 7 and she is already worried about perfection.  I often contemplate just how much pressure we put on these kids.  She said she wants good grades so she can get a scholarship for college when she grows up.

As proud as I am for her to want to be successful, I also want her just to be a 7 year old.  I know that these two kiddos will grow up faster than I want and I know that one day I will really have to let go of them, but just for tonight as I held each one and placed my hands on their heads, I was grateful for this special moment enjoying them just where they are.

Happy Birthday Harry!

By Troy Love

Tuesday was Harry Potter's birthday. I remember where I was the night I first learned about him. I was the cashier at Barnes and Noble. A woman came to the cash wrap with a children's book with a boy on a broomstick on the cover.  I didn't think anything of it.

A few minutes later, another woman came up with the same book. I thought it was somewhat strange, but passed it off as a coincidence.

A few minutes later, a third woman came up with the same book. "You are the 3rd person to buy this book in 30 minutes. What is so special about this book?" The woman explained to me that she had heard the author reading a portion on the radio and it sounded so good that she just had to stop by and get a copy.

After she left, I looked up Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone on the computer only to discover that there was only one book left. I quickly bought it. The store didn't get more in stock for 2 months and by then, Harry had become an overnight sensation.

I read all 7 books to my wife (our children hadn't come yet when the first books came out).  We have great memories of reading them together.  We both cried when Dumbledore died.

There is so much about the books that I loved, but perhaps the part I most resonated with is a boy who had to deal with some very intense, very challenging trials, and never gave up. He had loved ones around him to support him, but he also had to face some things alone.

There were times that he was stubborn and tried to do it all by himself and there were times that he leaned on his support for strength. 

As my children grow up in a world of war where people fight over a chicken food chain and Satan has infiltrated every corner of the world, I hope that my children can have friends like Ron and Hermione to support them in their battles.  As much as I hope and pray that they won't have battles to fight, experience has taught me otherwise.  There will always be battles to fight and mountains to climb.

And although Harry is fictional, he inspires. Perhaps that is why he is so famous. He was an ordinary boy who was loved enough that he changed the world. Sounds like my two kids... and like Harry, I expect I will see some great things from them as they grow up.