Fish Sauce and Star Trek (Spoiler Alert)

I use a frequent saying "If you think somebody is perfect, you haven't hung out with them long enough."  Well, if you have hung out with me long enough, you will know that I have a perfection problem.  I hate that I am not perfect. I hate that I make mistakes and I stress out when things are not exactly the way that I want them to be.  

I hide it pretty well, but truly, if you hang out with me long enough, you will see it.  One of the problems with that is that I try to perfect my children too.  As a therapist, I know how profoundly dangerous it is to perfect on our children.  As Brene Brown said, children were wired to struggle - what they need is someone to tell them that they are worth it... not that they are not good enough.

I have written about that before... watching my son play T-ball and getting all wound up when he didn't stand in the right place, do what the coach said, pay attention, etc.  It is something that I have been working on letting go for awhile.

This past weekend, I was at a men's retreat.  It was my night to help with dinner and we were having Hmong Egg Rolls and Coconut Lemon Ginger Chicken Soup. I had requested the ingredients to be purchased before I arrived and had full confidence that they would be there.  However, when I started to look through the purchased items, one glaring item was missing.  The fish sauce.

Fish sauce is basically anchovy juice, water and salt. Not the most appealing sauce for sure, but it is wonderful and absolutely essential in many South-East Asian Dishes.  I looked through the cupboards frantically, but could not find it. I asked one of the leaders if fish sauce had been purchased.  The answer was unclear. And I needed it.  Without it, the soup would not be... well.... perfect.

And so I drove an hour down the mountain to find an Asian store that was located another 30 minutes away (It was the only one that was showing up on my navigation device) and then another hour back up the mountain.  The whole time I was feeling the anger building and building and building inside!  I was yelling at no-one in particular saying, "See!  See! If you want something right, you have to do it yourself!  I can't believe that I am driving down the mountain because of fish sauce!"

But then the therapist inside of me said, "Oh goodie, Troy!  This is just the opportunity that you need to help you deal with your perfection issue.  I told the therapist part of me to shut up.

When I arrived back up at the cabin, I started to make dinner.  I had to breathe deeply several times in order to calm myself.  Then I started into the recipe for the soup.  It called for ginger and garlic for the springrolls.  I started looking all over for the garlic and the ginger.  They were missing too.  NO GINGER AND GARLIC!  UGH!  I was so mad that I hadn't seen they were missing before I drove two hours to get fish sauce. 

Another guy offered to go to a near by small gas station/ market to see if they had ginger or garlic, but didn't have a car and the likelihood of them actually having ginger and garlic was zilch!  So I had to make the soup without the ginger and the egg rolls without garlic.

I had a hard time accepting that there wouldn't be garlic or ginger.  I keep looking in the cupboard hoping that in some miracle I would find some.  In one of my repeated searches, I moved a bottle of something and there hiding in the corner was a small bottle of fish sauce.  "You have got to be kidding me!"  I said to myself.  I felt like the lesson was just getting richer.  I couldn't help but laugh at my own insanity.

The soup and the egg rolls were delicious even without the garlic or the ginger. As I sat with that experience, I felt that God had set it up that way because He needed me to learn a valuable lesson about perfection, anger, and letting things go. The experience was made just for me.  I realized how ridiculous it was that I drove 2.5 hours for a small bottle of fish sauce that we didn't even need.

Now you may be wondering what in the world this has to do with Star Trek.  In the latest Star Trek movie,  Into Darkness, Captain Kirk and his crew have to fight a formidable foe.  One who is one a search for perfection.  

His wrath is unleashed when that quest is interrupted by a bunch of flawed humans who inadvertently made a mistake.  Khan, genetically engineered to be superior to humans in every way is forced by another man to create a warship to control the galaxy.  Both Khan and Admiral Alexander Marcus had their own ideas about the way things were supposed to be.  When things didn't go their way, they went out of their way to force it leaving devastation in their wake. 

I don't want to do that any more. I see how perfectionism hurts instead of helps.  I don't want to have any more fish sauce moments. But I probably will.  Change does not happen over night.

Nephi, in the Book of Mormon, Another Testament of Jesus Christ, wrote:  Behold, my soul delighteth in the things of the Lord... nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that am!  Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities. I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do easily beset me." (2 Nephi 4:17-18).

Nephi was frustrated with himself.  Maybe he had been working on some things and they didn't work out the way that he had hoped.  His father had just died.His brothers were being rebellious. He was called upon to lead his family.  He was overwhelmed. He wasn't perfect and it was showing.

But Nephi did something that I did not do.  He didn't drive two hours out of his way to fix it. This is what he writes, "Nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.  My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions. " Instead of trying to fix it by himself, he turned to God, as he had done numerous times before and said, "I can't do this... will you Help me."

As I realized this during my retreat, I realized that I don't have to carry the burden of perfection anymore and I don't have to try to perfect my children either.  I can turn to God and let His light remind me that most things that I stress out about (money, meals, etc) are really as minor as fish sauce.  In the eternal scheme of things, most of the things that I worry about don't really matter.

I can continue to stress out about it and watch the devastation happen in my family, not unlike the wrath of Kahn, or I can turn to the Lord and say, "It's only fish sauce and let it go."

Sometimes I hear people chatting about a film, one they can't recall the title and my ears perk.  I inconspicuously draw near and listen to the key words.  "You know, the one where Edward Norton's got like multiple personalities or something." Easy, Primal Fear. "Yeah, yeah, it's like a courtroom drama or something." Like I said Primal Fear.  "But what is it called," they say as they stand in a stupor.  Now I have been summoned and I come off all nonchalant, like I  just happened to catch a line.  "I think you may be talking about Primal Fear," I say all subtle and cool.  They of course agree and thank me for my coincidental involvement.  

For some reason I take pride in this.

What is your Core?

Yesterday after my wife and I tramped out in the middle of the desert all morning (we are preparing to go a commemoration pioneer trek with the youth of our church to help them better understand the principles of faith, commitment, perseverance, and ultimately a reliance on our Savior, Jesus Christ), we were exhausted.  And if you haven't had the opportunity to meet our children, you really underestimate the amount of energy these two children have. Because we left all of our energy out next to two dying Sonoran catcus, we decided to take our kiddos to the movie Rise of the Guardians.

This isn't a movie review, though.  This is just a few of the thoughts that I had as I watched it.

At one point in the movie, Santa was speaking to Jack Frost about finding his center.... finding his core.  As I have worked with hundreds of clients, I have truly discovered just how crucial this task is.  Often times clients are trying to "find themselves".  I have wrestled with this terminology for a very long time, mostly because as eternal beings, coming up with a few sentences to describe ourselves just doesn't seem to do us justice, nor the God who created us.

However, when I think of the term "find our core", this I believe is realistic.  It is finding our mission. Our purpose.  Although we were sent to earth to learn and grow and return back to heaven, I also believe that we have a much deeper purpose.  My wife's grandma was known for saying, "Leave it better than you found it."  That rings in my ears as I consider my life here on earth.  Am I leaving it better than I found it.  For me,  finding my core has truly helped me have the passion and energy to continue forward.

In the movie, the darkness is seeking to overtake the world by destroying the faith of children.  Unfortunately, this is more fact than fiction.  However, the darkness could only be over come (spoiler alert) by living true and resonating with one's core.

One of Pitch Black's tactics was the use of shame.  "What will others think of you?".... "You failed".  His strategy was to cause fear instead of faith.  Again, the correlations to real life seem quite apparent. It is a tactic that I see played out daily. The fear to be real, the fear to stand up, the fear to say no. The lies are quite convincing.  And as the lies are believed the world just gets darker.  

But when Jack finally comprehends what his core is by exploring his past, (by the way... as a therapist, I loved that!), he was able to join with others who also knew their core and together fight the darkness.  One of the most powerful lines of the movie was as Jack was speaking to Pitch, "I believe in you. I'm just not afraid of you anymore."  It is when we truly comprehend our core that we have the courage to no longer be afraid.

There are many other messages that stood out to me from the film, but the last one I want to point out is the desire to be seen.  (Another spoiler alert)  Throughout the movie, Jack longs to be seen by the children, but they can't see him.  It is that fact that Pitch uses to try to destroy Jack.  In the end of the movie, however, the children are able to see Jack... and they love him.

The analogy for this one runs deeply for me.  There is a desire in many people to be noticed and appreciated by others.  It isn't an egotistical attitude or even a selfish one.  I think it comes from that same place of doubt, fear, and shame that causes people to see themselves as less than they truly are.  And so they look to others hoping for validation.  "Am I a good enough husband, wife, father, mother, employee, etc."  "Do you see me?   Do you see the good in me?"  

It is deeper than worrying what someone else thinks.  It is the desire to be seen, and more importantly, loved.  It is the antidote to shame.... Do you see me and do you love me?  It is what makes connections possible.  I see you and you see me and we both like/appreciate/love/accept what we see without judgment. 

The feeling to be seen most commonly shows up when we are feeling lonely.  We look out into the grandness of the world and wonder if anyone truly knows if we even exist.  And then when we feel seen, when someone pays attention to us, or reaches out to connect with us, it is one of the most magical feelings on the planet.

For me, the movie taught some pretty deep lessons.  Lessons that I hope my children will hold on to as they grow up:

1. They are someone special and have been sent here with a purpose.

2. Part of their journey on this planet  is to discover their purpose and then fulfill it to their best ability.

3. They don't have to journey on this world alone.... there are others who will support and love them.

4. Beware of the lies from the darkness that will try to shut out understanding of the principles of faith, individual worth, and true identity.

5. When we are authentic, we also allow ourselves to be seen and loved by others.

6. It is our responsibility to love others as well.

And all of that from a kids movie....  Who would have thought?

And the Multitude Gave Way

As I was reading my scriptures this morning, I came across a sentence that I have never noticed before.  I was reading in the Book of Mormon the account of when Jesus Christ appeared to the Nephites after he had been resurrected. He had just finished healing all those who were afflicted with any ailment or sickness.  He then invited the children to come unto Him.

And the record reads: So they brought their little children and set them down upon the ground round about him, and Jesus stood in the midst; and the multitude gave way till they had all been brought unto him. (Vs. 12)

The words that stood out to me were "And the multitude gave way till they all had been brought unto him."  In my own words that meant that they got out of the way.  They moved back to allow those little ones the chance to be with the Light of the World.

The more I sat with that sentence the more profound it was to me.  I began to ask myself, "Self... how often do I get in the way of someone else coming unto Christ?"  

I began to contemplate how I get in the way.  There are many ways that I could come up with... Selfishness, inflexibility, trying to control the situation, lashing out in anger, judging others, refusing to ask for forgiveness... I could go on.

As I sat with this further, I realized that those who got out of the way had already had a remarkable experience with Him. They had each had the opportunity to spend a few minutes individually with Him, feeling the prints in His hands and feet.  They had been given His sacrament blessed by Him, and then they had been healed.

But the little ones also needed chance to be with Him too.  I can image them trying to get a look at him by reaching up on their tip toes to look over shoulders or between legs to see Him.  Parents were likely encouraging them to be still and listen - not unlike what happens at church.

But then He invited them to come unto Him and they began to come.  And the multitude got out of the way.

A few months back, we put my son in T-ball.  This was his first experience with an organized sport. He was excited and he was 5.  If a plane flew over, he would stop in the middle of a practice and look over head.  He was very distractible.  He struggled to listen to the coaches and did his own thing (like any typical 5 year old).  

His behavior stirred something up inside of me.  I wanted him to be really good at this sport.  I needed him to be good at this sport.  I had never played in an organized sport my entire childhood (okay, I played one game of soccer in the 1st grade and then quit... so that doesn't count).  I knew how the lack of playing in such sports had affected me in my ability to connect with the boys in school.  I didn't want my son to have to experience that kind of disconnection.

And so I would jump right in and tell him what to do.  "Ben, stand over here!'  "Ben, hold the bat this way."  "Ben, run!"  Every time he wasn't doing it right, I would get involved and tell him what to do.  And then I looked around.  All of the other parents were sitting back in their folding chairs, just letting the coach handle things.  At that moment, I realized that I was trying to control my son and needed to get out of the way.

And so I let Ben be Ben.  I sat with the other parents and watched as my son grew and learned with the other children.  He started to have fun because I got out of his way. And the truth is... I had a better experience too.  I was more relaxed and at peace.

I learned a valuable lesson...  there are times when it is necessary to guide, support, encourage, and teach each other along the path.  And there are times to get out of the way.  

In the experience in the Book of Mormon, the Savior Himself had invited the children to come unto Him.  Had I been there, I wouldn't have needed to tell my son or daughter to "sit down" or "be quiet" ... I would have just let them be them and let Him be in charge of the situation.

It is a form of surrender that I had not really considered much.  There are times in which I just need to get out of the way.  

In the Book of Mormon account, the experience became one of the most sacred of all accounts - so much so that there were not words to really record what happened.  Angels came and ministered to the children, Jesus Christ prayed for them:

"And the things which he prayed cannot be written ... and after this manner do they bear record: The ^aeye hath never seen, neither hath the ear heard, before, so great and marvelous things as we saw and heard Jesus speak unto the Father; and no ^atongue can speak, neither can there be written by any man, neither can the hearts of men conceive so great and marvelous things as we both saw and heard Jesus speak; and no one can conceive of the joy which filled our souls at the time we heard him pray for us unto the Father."

All of this occurred, in part, because the multitude got  out of the way.

Now days mormons are taking center stage

The Hunger Games

The first of the Hunger Games Trilogy came out a few nights ago.  I really liked the books and the movie was good too.   But I just have to say the whole concept is disturbing.  Humans hunting humans while the world watches...

I think that what disturbs me the most is that our society isn't that far off from actually doing something like this.

Television is full of reality TV shows.  Dancing with the Stars, American Idol, Housewives from everywhere, and Jersey Shore to name a few. Do we not have enough creative energy left to actually write something fresh?  Instead, we follow people around watching them make fools of themselves, or voting each other off, or having an emotional moment.

My wife and I have been watching The Biggest Loser to inspire ourselves to become healthy. At the same time, the parallels to shows that vote people off and the Hunger Games do not allude me.

It starts out with a group of chosen ones... a select few from across the country.  They participate in a training program to ready themselves for the show down. Then the Nation watches as contestants battle each other.  Show producers will add challenges and temptations to enhance the drama. In the end, only one person survives.

Am I talking about Hunger Games or Survivor or American Idol?

What is it that draws us to these types of entertainment? Romans would watch their own version of the Hunger Games with the Gladiators.  But we are not that sadistic... are we? 

We laugh ours heads off at shows like Wipeout. Advertisers spend millions during the Superbowl as we watch men battle it out on a field with a pigskin.  We just finished watching the world compete during the Olympics.

I am not saying that any of this bad or good.  I am simply noticing that we are a nation of spectators watching other people living their lives on a global scale.  And I notice just how closely we actually resemble the futuristic nation in the Hunger Games.  I am convinced we really aren't that far removed.

People struggle with all kinds of problems - financial problems, health problems, relationship problems, emotional problems, addiction problems.... But the world as a whole doesn't really pay much attention.  The people in the Capital of Panem live their lives of luxury and superficiality choosing not to recognize or see the struggles of each of the various districts.  Attempts to raise awareness and fight for freedoms are shot down and punished with deeper levels of bureaucracy.

Perhaps that is why so many people have been drawn to the books and the movies... they see a little bit of us in it.  It makes me reflect on whether I am being a spectator or a participant in my own novel. It makes me want to try harder to make a difference in the world.

Just a thought, but now I have to go... Pysch is on.

Emotional Wak-A-Mole

Testimony meeting is my nemesis.  I typically press my forehead against the bench in front of me, so no one can see my smirks and rolling eyes.  I’ve been known to laugh attack myself right out of the meeting.  In contrast I often do it to hide tears and protect my manhood, holding back a steady stream of emotional diarrhea.  Testimony meeting exposes my inability to control my emotions.   It provokes me, moves me, silences me and irritates me.  It’s like emotional Wak-A-Mole, metaphorically taking random swings at my flighty disposition.   I feel cheated, defenselessly stuck in a pew between fragile toddlers and expected to display charitable good will as illustrated by receptive facial expressions.

In addition testimony meeting is like Russian roulette, firing anecdotes and stories at an unsuspecting audience with an occasional misfire. It allows the unflinching thoughts of random people to unleash what they deem to be spiritually pertinent.  Each person’s perception of what’s spiritually relevant is what dictates the flow of each meeting.   In most cases, the random stories are benign and expressed with good intent.  But some meetings, the concaved indentation on my forehead says it all.

The argument that the gospel is perfect and the members are not is never more readily understood then in testimony meeting.  Vibrant glass-half-fullers edify with positivity, paranoid doomsdayers express their disguised skepticism, and those in between, share through individualized nuances, glimpses into their own spiritual journeys.  I feel like it’s this imperfection that makes church work for me.  It’s the imperfection that makes it perfect. 

As my throbbing forehead presses the hard wood I listen as the stories and testimonies detail sadness, hope, triumph and faith.  A hodgepodge of people commonly linked by geography opening themselves to each other like some sort of group therapy session.  It’s both awkward and invigorating.  I cringe, cry, laugh, grimace and secretly mock.  The human condition is filled with fear, doubt and insecurity.  It’s also filled with courage, pride and ego; and combined with an open microphone, it can be telling. 

Testimony meeting is a freestanding invitation to share openly.  In my last ward, several members stood and declared themselves addicts and pinpointed exact years and months of sobriety.  They seemed to instill a great deal of support from one another.  Unabashedly and without shame some share secrets and personal matters as if everyone in the meeting needs to know.  One mother pleas for prayers for her rebellious teen, another man plants seeds of his political agenda to run for office in the fall.  A five year old “buries” her testimony deep into the hearts of the congregation and tells the audience her dying daddy is sick and will be better soon.    It’s the sharing that evokes emotion and helps us all feel connected.  Helps us feel needed and loved.  Perfecting the saints, right.   

My forehead presses harder, tears swell and start to trickle.  Ego urges my eyes to stay fixed at the broken cheerios on the carpet floor.   Don’t look up.  Don’t let anyone see me.  Nobody can know I’m human after all.