Thursday, October 10, 2013

Gravity: Best Backdrop Ever





From the opening scene, Gravity blankets the background of each shot with earth, entrenching every moment with unique perspective.  Even being alone, floating silently in space seems to be a small thing in the face of the seemingly living, all-engulfing, blue/green sphere.   A category 5 hurricane looks small and beautiful, even harmless and pristine.   The hue of the ocean magnifies it's universal sense of calm and the zigzagging, rugged land stretches and turns with no signs, borders or indication of indifference.  The grandeur of it all is staggering but the story is simple: two people in space fighting to live.  The title refers to more than the earth's permeating attractive force; something far from thought when watching weightless mass float magically in space.  But the movie calibrates at every turn, adding more and more weight, making things heavier with each moment; giving the film a sense of gravity itself.

First time space traveler and scientist Ryan Stone (Sandra Bullock) and experienced shuttle pilot Matt Kowalski (George Clooney) are in space working on the Hubble Telescope.  They've been warned by Houston's control center that satellite debris traveling faster than a bullet is headed their way.  Without much time for escape the shuttle gets pummeled by orbiting shrapnel and Stone gets propelled into space.   As she's spinning out of sight into nothingness, the earth's bellowing presence gives one the sense of her physical and mortal insignificance.  A spinning speck in the darkest abyss.  I remember seeing Deliverance as a teen and being awed by the story of human capability, especially with the reality of doom.  Since, I have often wondered of my own capabilities and limitations in the presence of  assured defeat.  But this isn't killer rednecks here, this is hopelessness personified.  This is outer space.  Stone is to be defeated by a faceless foe, by darkness itself.  

The triumph of human will is celebrated in prose.   It is often the backdrop of many films and books.  It is something man gravitates toward without reasoning.  The idea that anyone, regardless of talent, accompanied with the right mindset can achieve hero status or conquer a nation.  That ordinary can accomplish extraordinary.  Or, in other words, a spinning space speck can stop spinning and will itself back to earth.   And no story of human triumph would exist without the accompaniment of self-sacrifice.  Eventually, with the aid of a prototype jet pack, Kowalski finds Stone and tethers himself to her.  They then head toward the international space station.  Stone admits some personal stuff to Kowalski and begins illustrating the why behind an obvious and physically expressed sadness.  Kowalski is mr. cool, a 'been-there-done-that' sort of guy.  He latter becomes the sacrificial lamb that would act as catalyst for Stone to save herself.  He has far less emotional baggage and therefore less emotional gravity.  He doesn't have a problem with letting go. 

Gravity (the film) screams various depths of uniqueness, it's incomparable nature allows it to stand out in film cannon and it's timeless essence gives it a hopeful sense of longevity.  I don't recall having such a visceral and genuine reaction to any other film.  The perspective of life and death played in the foreground of a silent world is more then just a mechanism or artificial devise.  It's more than a metaphoric vehicle and more than a genius digital accomplishment.  It is, in essence, the realization of one's own flaw-filled and ego-driven perspective hallowed out to insignificance.  The world is so much bigger and heavier than what we see, yet what we see makes us feel bigger than what we are.   In other words, gravity is metaphysically pulling at our mass both physically and emotionally.  The less baggage we have and the less 'weight' we carry, the less earthbound we are.












Sunday, October 6, 2013

I Miss You Already

It was little more than a year ago that I was flying back home from somewhere. As I was waiting in Phoenix to catch the puddle jumper plane back to Yuma, a man walked by.  He looked really familiar. I was pretty sure that he was from my ward in Yuma. Over the past few years, I had become very introverted, especially at church.  I wasn't planning on talking to him.  Truth be told, I was hoping he wouldn't notice me.

He came up to me and asked if I was Brother Love. I told him that I was and asked what his name was.  He said his name was Jack.  I told him that I recognized him from my ward.  We started to talk. The seating in the waiting area was full and so we sat around the corner.  We started talking about what brought us to Yuma. It was a great conversation. It was so good that we didn't even notice that they had called our flight... three times. They were just about ready to shut the doors when we heard the last call and scrambled to the door before it was too late.

A few weeks later, Jack asked if I wanted to watch the last Batman movie with him. It was the beginning of a great friendship.

Over the years, I have had some painful experiences with people whom I trusted. As a result, I have been less and less willing to be vulnerable with anyone.  The result is a double edged sword. One side allows me to not be hurt because I don't let anyone in.  The other side is that I felt exceptionally lonely. I needed friends who I could hang out with and share things with. But I wasn't willing to open up... AT ALL.

I realized that I needed to be willing to be more open, but at the same time I wasn't willing to try.  And then Jack came over to me in the Phoenix airport, I thought I would give it a shot.

Jack loves golf.  I had never played a day in my life (unless of course you count miniature golf).  My wife had bought me golf clubs two Christmas's ago and they have sat in my garage ever since.  Jack invited  me to play a round with him.  He has a knack for getting someone to do something outside of his comfort zone.  He was patient with me as he taught me how to swing the clubs and understand the game. It was a most amazing day for me.  It healed a part of me that has been wounded for a very long time.

Jack and I started talking about our passions and desires. We both like to write.  We decided to start a blog together.  This is it.  Jack is the other geek dad.

Since that time, Jack and I have spent a lot of time together. We have grown to be great friends.  My relationship with him has been healing  in so many ways. I believe him to be one of my closest friends.

Last Monday, Jack moved to out of town for a new job opportunity. It was only been a week and I miss him already. I just wanted to publicly share my appreciation for you, Jack.  I appreciate your authenticity. I appreciate your deep desire to be the best father you can be and the example that you set as you interact with your family.  I am so grateful for your testimony and your reaching to be a better man - physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I appreciate your kindness and that you see good in me.

Thank you, Jack, for being willing to come talk to me at the airport.  I am so glad you did.  It was one of those life changing moments... and it has truly changed my life.

I think of this Irish Blessing:
May the Road Rise up to meet you
May the wind be ever at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face
and the rain fall softly on your fields.

And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the hollow of his hand.

May there always be angels to watch over you
To guide you each step of the way
To bless you and keep you safe from all harm
And may you need never to banish misfortune
May you find kindness in all that you meet

Thank you, Jack, for being my friend. I will always be your friend.  God be with you.

- Troy



Monday, August 26, 2013

What does Media really teach you about you?

I recently came across this talk by Colin Stokes at the TED conference.
He references one of my favorite children's movies of all time - The Wizard of Oz.  Having played the Lion in our High School's version of the Wizard of Oz, I grew to love the characters and the books by Frank L. Baum.
About a year ago, I saw the Wizard of Oz was on sale and so I excitedly bought the DVD version for my children.  I sat down with them with anticipation that they would enjoy excitement and the story as much as I did.  They were bored out of their minds. It wasn't until I saw Mr. Stokes talk, however, that I figured out what it was.
As I listened to Mr. Stokes, I was reminded of another speaker, Mr. Rogers.  Mr. Rogers is another media personality that my children have no idea about. In this video, Mr. Rogers spoke with some of the representatives of Congress.
Nowadays, movies and television don't contain these elements anymore.  We have added CG battles, blowing up buildings, and increase the sexual appeal.  But does it really teach us who we are? Does it teach us who we were born to be?
Think of the last movie or television you watched.  Consider what it taught you about who you are. Did it resonate inside of you and make you feel things you hadn't felt in a long time? Or did it simply entertain you for a few moments, but had no lasting effect?  I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Man of Steel - (There may be a few spoilers here, but I will do my best to not spoil it for those who haven't seen the movie)


Superman, as we see him portrayed today is not the way that Superman originally started. If you want to learn more about the history of Superman, you can read more about it here.   Although that was very interesting, I want to talk more about the overall character of one of my favorite superheroes.

In the new movie, Man of Steel, there are some very obvious parallels to Jesus Christ.  Consider what we know about Superman...


  • He once lived somewhere else before being sent to earth by his father.
  • He came with remarkable powers unlike anything that had been seen before.
  • He was adopted by father who loved him and felt responsible to protect this son with remarkable gifts.
  • He didn't reveal his powers until he was grown.
  • His real father found ways to continue to reveal further information and hope to his son.
  • He came to save the world from evil.
  • General Zod also believes that he has a mission to achieve and he is going to achieve it by force.
  • General Zod enlists his own support to help him achieve his mission. 
  • Clark feels the pressure of being Superman, almost forsakes it, but then then accomplishes what he was sent to do.
I don't know about you, but that sounds very familiar.  I was speaking with a friend about how the Plan of Salvation could be so obviously paralleled in a Superman movie.  I shared with him a theory that I have been considering for a very long time.

Here it is.

Even though we can't remember what it was like in the Pre-existence, I believe that the Plan of Salvation - including the War in Heaven, the need for a Savior, our relationship with Heavenly Father, etc. has been written within our DNA.  And as such, when writers begin to write stories - they draw from ideas that are deep within who they are.

For example - the Story of Hercules -
A half god/half mortal is sent to earth where he has to battle the forces of evil in honor of his father.

Thor
A god with a brother who is a trickster. He comes to earth to help the human race.

Finding Nemo-
A son is separated from his Father, but through growing experiences and support of others they are reunited again.

The Fairytale Princesses - Snow White, Cinderella, Rapunzel
Each one loses their father, are thrown into the lone and dreary world where they are treated horribly, only to be rescued by a prince.

Lion King
A lion loses his father and forgets who he is, but finally learns his true identity and overcomes evil to become the King.

The Lord of the Rings
A young hobbit is given a tremendous burden, one in which he must have help to carry, but ultimately having to face the burden alone.

Star Wars, Harry Potter, E.T, Spiderman.... the list continues.  I believe that one of the reasons why Star Wars, The Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, and other Billion Dollar Successes have been so successful is that it resonates deep within us and stirs our remembering of God's plan of the happiness of His children.  A story that is full of evil forces trying to destroy us along with the hope of a Hero who will save us. 

And Man of Steel does the same thing:

Clark asks a question many of us have asked, " I have so many questions. Where do I come from?" 

In another scene, Jor-El said to his son, "You will give the people an ideal to strive towards. They will race behind  you, they will stumble, they will fall. But in time, they will join you in the sun. In time, you will help them accomplish wonders."

Throughout the movie I got a little misty eyed, especially when both father's Jor-El and Jonathan spoke to their son.  I could imagine how Heavenly Father spoke with his Son, especially as he was beginning his mission here on earth, how Joseph must have spoken with Jesus too.  And although I recognize that Superman is not real, the movie made me reflect on the one who truly has been sent to save us. It helped me ponder upon the burdens he carried, the battles he fought and won, and the love He has for the entire world, including little old me. 


Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Fish Sauce and Star Trek (Spoiler Alert)

I use a frequent saying "If you think somebody is perfect, you haven't hung out with them long enough."  Well, if you have hung out with me long enough, you will know that I have a perfection problem.  I hate that I am not perfect. I hate that I make mistakes and I stress out when things are not exactly the way that I want them to be.  

I hide it pretty well, but truly, if you hang out with me long enough, you will see it.  One of the problems with that is that I try to perfect my children too.  As a therapist, I know how profoundly dangerous it is to perfect on our children.  As Brene Brown said, children were wired to struggle - what they need is someone to tell them that they are worth it... not that they are not good enough.

I have written about that before... watching my son play T-ball and getting all wound up when he didn't stand in the right place, do what the coach said, pay attention, etc.  It is something that I have been working on letting go for awhile.

This past weekend, I was at a men's retreat.  It was my night to help with dinner and we were having Hmong Egg Rolls and Coconut Lemon Ginger Chicken Soup. I had requested the ingredients to be purchased before I arrived and had full confidence that they would be there.  However, when I started to look through the purchased items, one glaring item was missing.  The fish sauce.

Fish sauce is basically anchovy juice, water and salt. Not the most appealing sauce for sure, but it is wonderful and absolutely essential in many South-East Asian Dishes.  I looked through the cupboards frantically, but could not find it. I asked one of the leaders if fish sauce had been purchased.  The answer was unclear. And I needed it.  Without it, the soup would not be... well.... perfect.

And so I drove an hour down the mountain to find an Asian store that was located another 30 minutes away (It was the only one that was showing up on my navigation device) and then another hour back up the mountain.  The whole time I was feeling the anger building and building and building inside!  I was yelling at no-one in particular saying, "See!  See! If you want something right, you have to do it yourself!  I can't believe that I am driving down the mountain because of fish sauce!"

But then the therapist inside of me said, "Oh goodie, Troy!  This is just the opportunity that you need to help you deal with your perfection issue.  I told the therapist part of me to shut up.


When I arrived back up at the cabin, I started to make dinner.  I had to breathe deeply several times in order to calm myself.  Then I started into the recipe for the soup.  It called for ginger and garlic for the springrolls.  I started looking all over for the garlic and the ginger.  They were missing too.  NO GINGER AND GARLIC!  UGH!  I was so mad that I hadn't seen they were missing before I drove two hours to get fish sauce. 

Another guy offered to go to a near by small gas station/ market to see if they had ginger or garlic, but didn't have a car and the likelihood of them actually having ginger and garlic was zilch!  So I had to make the soup without the ginger and the egg rolls without garlic.

I had a hard time accepting that there wouldn't be garlic or ginger.  I keep looking in the cupboard hoping that in some miracle I would find some.  In one of my repeated searches, I moved a bottle of something and there hiding in the corner was a small bottle of fish sauce.  "You have got to be kidding me!"  I said to myself.  I felt like the lesson was just getting richer.  I couldn't help but laugh at my own insanity.

The soup and the egg rolls were delicious even without the garlic or the ginger. As I sat with that experience, I felt that God had set it up that way because He needed me to learn a valuable lesson about perfection, anger, and letting things go. The experience was made just for me.  I realized how ridiculous it was that I drove 2.5 hours for a small bottle of fish sauce that we didn't even need.

Now you may be wondering what in the world this has to do with Star Trek.  In the latest Star Trek movie,  Into Darkness, Captain Kirk and his crew have to fight a formidable foe.  One who is one a search for perfection.  

His wrath is unleashed when that quest is interrupted by a bunch of flawed humans who inadvertently made a mistake.  Khan, genetically engineered to be superior to humans in every way is forced by another man to create a warship to control the galaxy.  Both Khan and Admiral Alexander Marcus had their own ideas about the way things were supposed to be.  When things didn't go their way, they went out of their way to force it leaving devastation in their wake. 

I don't want to do that any more. I see how perfectionism hurts instead of helps.  I don't want to have any more fish sauce moments. But I probably will.  Change does not happen over night.

Nephi, in the Book of Mormon, Another Testament of Jesus Christ, wrote:  Behold, my soul delighteth in the things of the Lord... nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that am!  Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities. I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do easily beset me." (2 Nephi 4:17-18).

Nephi was frustrated with himself.  Maybe he had been working on some things and they didn't work out the way that he had hoped.  His father had just died.His brothers were being rebellious. He was called upon to lead his family.  He was overwhelmed. He wasn't perfect and it was showing.

But Nephi did something that I did not do.  He didn't drive two hours out of his way to fix it. This is what he writes, "Nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.  My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions. " Instead of trying to fix it by himself, he turned to God, as he had done numerous times before and said, "I can't do this... will you Help me."

As I realized this during my retreat, I realized that I don't have to carry the burden of perfection anymore and I don't have to try to perfect my children either.  I can turn to God and let His light remind me that most things that I stress out about (money, meals, etc) are really as minor as fish sauce.  In the eternal scheme of things, most of the things that I worry about don't really matter.

I can continue to stress out about it and watch the devastation happen in my family, not unlike the wrath of Kahn, or I can turn to the Lord and say, "It's only fish sauce and let it go."



Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Sometimes I hear people chatting about a film, one they can't recall the title and my ears perk.  I inconspicuously draw near and listen to the key words.  "You know, the one where Edward Norton's got like multiple personalities or something." Easy, Primal Fear. "Yeah, yeah, it's like a courtroom drama or something." Like I said Primal Fear.  "But what is it called," they say as they stand in a stupor.  Now I have been summoned and I come off all nonchalant, like I  just happened to catch a line.  "I think you may be talking about Primal Fear," I say all subtle and cool.  They of course agree and thank me for my coincidental involvement.  

For some reason I take pride in this.


Sunday, December 2, 2012

What is your Core?



Yesterday after my wife and I tramped out in the middle of the desert all morning (we are preparing to go a commemoration pioneer trek with the youth of our church to help them better understand the principles of faith, commitment, perseverance, and ultimately a reliance on our Savior, Jesus Christ), we were exhausted.  And if you haven't had the opportunity to meet our children, you really underestimate the amount of energy these two children have. Because we left all of our energy out next to two dying Sonoran catcus, we decided to take our kiddos to the movie Rise of the Guardians.

This isn't a movie review, though.  This is just a few of the thoughts that I had as I watched it.

At one point in the movie, Santa was speaking to Jack Frost about finding his center.... finding his core.  As I have worked with hundreds of clients, I have truly discovered just how crucial this task is.  Often times clients are trying to "find themselves".  I have wrestled with this terminology for a very long time, mostly because as eternal beings, coming up with a few sentences to describe ourselves just doesn't seem to do us justice, nor the God who created us.

However, when I think of the term "find our core", this I believe is realistic.  It is finding our mission. Our purpose.  Although we were sent to earth to learn and grow and return back to heaven, I also believe that we have a much deeper purpose.  My wife's grandma was known for saying, "Leave it better than you found it."  That rings in my ears as I consider my life here on earth.  Am I leaving it better than I found it.  For me,  finding my core has truly helped me have the passion and energy to continue forward.

In the movie, the darkness is seeking to overtake the world by destroying the faith of children.  Unfortunately, this is more fact than fiction.  However, the darkness could only be over come (spoiler alert) by living true and resonating with one's core.

One of Pitch Black's tactics was the use of shame.  "What will others think of you?".... "You failed".  His strategy was to cause fear instead of faith.  Again, the correlations to real life seem quite apparent. It is a tactic that I see played out daily. The fear to be real, the fear to stand up, the fear to say no. The lies are quite convincing.  And as the lies are believed the world just gets darker.  

But when Jack finally comprehends what his core is by exploring his past, (by the way... as a therapist, I loved that!), he was able to join with others who also knew their core and together fight the darkness.  One of the most powerful lines of the movie was as Jack was speaking to Pitch, "I believe in you. I'm just not afraid of you anymore."  It is when we truly comprehend our core that we have the courage to no longer be afraid.

There are many other messages that stood out to me from the film, but the last one I want to point out is the desire to be seen.  (Another spoiler alert)  Throughout the movie, Jack longs to be seen by the children, but they can't see him.  It is that fact that Pitch uses to try to destroy Jack.  In the end of the movie, however, the children are able to see Jack... and they love him.

The analogy for this one runs deeply for me.  There is a desire in many people to be noticed and appreciated by others.  It isn't an egotistical attitude or even a selfish one.  I think it comes from that same place of doubt, fear, and shame that causes people to see themselves as less than they truly are.  And so they look to others hoping for validation.  "Am I a good enough husband, wife, father, mother, employee, etc."  "Do you see me?   Do you see the good in me?"  

It is deeper than worrying what someone else thinks.  It is the desire to be seen, and more importantly, loved.  It is the antidote to shame.... Do you see me and do you love me?  It is what makes connections possible.  I see you and you see me and we both like/appreciate/love/accept what we see without judgment. 

The feeling to be seen most commonly shows up when we are feeling lonely.  We look out into the grandness of the world and wonder if anyone truly knows if we even exist.  And then when we feel seen, when someone pays attention to us, or reaches out to connect with us, it is one of the most magical feelings on the planet.

For me, the movie taught some pretty deep lessons.  Lessons that I hope my children will hold on to as they grow up:

1. They are someone special and have been sent here with a purpose.
2. Part of their journey on this planet  is to discover their purpose and then fulfill it to their best ability.
3. They don't have to journey on this world alone.... there are others who will support and love them.
4. Beware of the lies from the darkness that will try to shut out understanding of the principles of faith, individual worth, and true identity.
5. When we are authentic, we also allow ourselves to be seen and loved by others.
6. It is our responsibility to love others as well.

And all of that from a kids movie....  Who would have thought?

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

And the Multitude Gave Way



As I was reading my scriptures this morning, I came across a sentence that I have never noticed before.  I was reading in the Book of Mormon the account of when Jesus Christ appeared to the Nephites after he had been resurrected. He had just finished healing all those who were afflicted with any ailment or sickness.  He then invited the children to come unto Him.


The words that stood out to me were "And the multitude gave way till they all had been brought unto him."  In my own words that meant that they got out of the way.  They moved back to allow those little ones the chance to be with the Light of the World.

The more I sat with that sentence the more profound it was to me.  I began to ask myself, "Self... how often do I get in the way of someone else coming unto Christ?"  

I began to contemplate how I get in the way.  There are many ways that I could come up with... Selfishness, inflexibility, trying to control the situation, lashing out in anger, judging others, refusing to ask for forgiveness... I could go on.

As I sat with this further, I realized that those who got out of the way had already had a remarkable experience with Him. They had each had the opportunity to spend a few minutes individually with Him, feeling the prints in His hands and feet.  They had been given His sacrament blessed by Him, and then they had been healed.

But the little ones also needed chance to be with Him too.  I can image them trying to get a look at him by reaching up on their tip toes to look over shoulders or between legs to see Him.  Parents were likely encouraging them to be still and listen - not unlike what happens at church.

But then He invited them to come unto Him and they began to come.  And the multitude got out of the way.

A few months back, we put my son in T-ball.  This was his first experience with an organized sport. He was excited and he was 5.  If a plane flew over, he would stop in the middle of a practice and look over head.  He was very distractible.  He struggled to listen to the coaches and did his own thing (like any typical 5 year old).  

His behavior stirred something up inside of me.  I wanted him to be really good at this sport.  I needed him to be good at this sport.  I had never played in an organized sport my entire childhood (okay, I played one game of soccer in the 1st grade and then quit... so that doesn't count).  I knew how the lack of playing in such sports had affected me in my ability to connect with the boys in school.  I didn't want my son to have to experience that kind of disconnection.

And so I would jump right in and tell him what to do.  "Ben, stand over here!'  "Ben, hold the bat this way."  "Ben, run!"  Every time he wasn't doing it right, I would get involved and tell him what to do.  And then I looked around.  All of the other parents were sitting back in their folding chairs, just letting the coach handle things.  At that moment, I realized that I was trying to control my son and needed to get out of the way.

And so I let Ben be Ben.  I sat with the other parents and watched as my son grew and learned with the other children.  He started to have fun because I got out of his way. And the truth is... I had a better experience too.  I was more relaxed and at peace.

I learned a valuable lesson...  there are times when it is necessary to guide, support, encourage, and teach each other along the path.  And there are times to get out of the way.  

In the experience in the Book of Mormon, the Savior Himself had invited the children to come unto Him.  Had I been there, I wouldn't have needed to tell my son or daughter to "sit down" or "be quiet" ... I would have just let them be them and let Him be in charge of the situation.

It is a form of surrender that I had not really considered much.  There are times in which I just need to get out of the way.  

In the Book of Mormon account, the experience became one of the most sacred of all accounts - so much so that there were not words to really record what happened.  Angels came and ministered to the children, Jesus Christ prayed for them:



"And the things which he prayed cannot be written ... and after this manner do they bear record: The aeye hath never seen, neither hath the ear heard, before, so great and marvelous things as we saw and heard Jesus speak unto the Father; and no atongue can speak, neither can there be written by any man, neither can the hearts of men conceive so great and marvelous things as we both saw and heard Jesus speak; and no one can conceive of the joy which filled our souls at the time we heard him pray for us unto the Father."
All of this occurred, in part, because the multitude got  out of the way.



Saturday, September 1, 2012

Thursday, August 23, 2012

The Hunger Games

The first of the Hunger Games Trilogy came out a few nights ago.  I really liked the books and the movie was good too.   But I just have to say the whole concept is disturbing.  Humans hunting humans while the world watches...

I think that what disturbs me the most is that our society isn't that far off from actually doing something like this.

Television is full of reality TV shows.  Dancing with the Stars, American Idol, Housewives from everywhere, and Jersey Shore to name a few. Do we not have enough creative energy left to actually write something fresh?  Instead, we follow people around watching them make fools of themselves, or voting each other off, or having an emotional moment.

My wife and I have been watching The Biggest Loser to inspire ourselves to become healthy. At the same time, the parallels to shows that vote people off and the Hunger Games do not allude me.

It starts out with a group of chosen ones... a select few from across the country.  They participate in a training program to ready themselves for the show down. Then the Nation watches as contestants battle each other.  Show producers will add challenges and temptations to enhance the drama. In the end, only one person survives.

Am I talking about Hunger Games or Survivor or American Idol?

What is it that draws us to these types of entertainment? Romans would watch their own version of the Hunger Games with the Gladiators.  But we are not that sadistic... are we? 

We laugh ours heads off at shows like Wipeout. Advertisers spend millions during the Superbowl as we watch men battle it out on a field with a pigskin.  We just finished watching the world compete during the Olympics.

I am not saying that any of this bad or good.  I am simply noticing that we are a nation of spectators watching other people living their lives on a global scale.  And I notice just how closely we actually resemble the futuristic nation in the Hunger Games.  I am convinced we really aren't that far removed.

People struggle with all kinds of problems - financial problems, health problems, relationship problems, emotional problems, addiction problems.... But the world as a whole doesn't really pay much attention.  The people in the Capital of Panem live their lives of luxury and superficiality choosing not to recognize or see the struggles of each of the various districts.  Attempts to raise awareness and fight for freedoms are shot down and punished with deeper levels of bureaucracy.

Perhaps that is why so many people have been drawn to the books and the movies... they see a little bit of us in it.  It makes me reflect on whether I am being a spectator or a participant in my own novel. It makes me want to try harder to make a difference in the world.

Just a thought, but now I have to go... Pysch is on.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Emotional Wak-A-Mole


Testimony meeting is my nemesis.  I typically press my forehead against the bench in front of me, so no one can see my smirks and rolling eyes.  I’ve been known to laugh attack myself right out of the meeting.  In contrast I often do it to hide tears and protect my manhood, holding back a steady stream of emotional diarrhea.  Testimony meeting exposes my inability to control my emotions.   It provokes me, moves me, silences me and irritates me.  It’s like emotional Wak-A-Mole, metaphorically taking random swings at my flighty disposition.   I feel cheated, defenselessly stuck in a pew between fragile toddlers and expected to display charitable good will as illustrated by receptive facial expressions.

In addition testimony meeting is like Russian roulette, firing anecdotes and stories at an unsuspecting audience with an occasional misfire. It allows the unflinching thoughts of random people to unleash what they deem to be spiritually pertinent.  Each person’s perception of what’s spiritually relevant is what dictates the flow of each meeting.   In most cases, the random stories are benign and expressed with good intent.  But some meetings, the concaved indentation on my forehead says it all.

The argument that the gospel is perfect and the members are not is never more readily understood then in testimony meeting.  Vibrant glass-half-fullers edify with positivity, paranoid doomsdayers express their disguised skepticism, and those in between, share through individualized nuances, glimpses into their own spiritual journeys.  I feel like it’s this imperfection that makes church work for me.  It’s the imperfection that makes it perfect. 

As my throbbing forehead presses the hard wood I listen as the stories and testimonies detail sadness, hope, triumph and faith.  A hodgepodge of people commonly linked by geography opening themselves to each other like some sort of group therapy session.  It’s both awkward and invigorating.  I cringe, cry, laugh, grimace and secretly mock.  The human condition is filled with fear, doubt and insecurity.  It’s also filled with courage, pride and ego; and combined with an open microphone, it can be telling. 

Testimony meeting is a freestanding invitation to share openly.  In my last ward, several members stood and declared themselves addicts and pinpointed exact years and months of sobriety.  They seemed to instill a great deal of support from one another.  Unabashedly and without shame some share secrets and personal matters as if everyone in the meeting needs to know.  One mother pleas for prayers for her rebellious teen, another man plants seeds of his political agenda to run for office in the fall.  A five year old “buries” her testimony deep into the hearts of the congregation and tells the audience her dying daddy is sick and will be better soon.    It’s the sharing that evokes emotion and helps us all feel connected.  Helps us feel needed and loved.  Perfecting the saints, right.   

My forehead presses harder, tears swell and start to trickle.  Ego urges my eyes to stay fixed at the broken cheerios on the carpet floor.   Don’t look up.  Don’t let anyone see me.  Nobody can know I’m human after all.   

Monday, August 13, 2012

Within the Bounds the Lord has Set

Just a warning... this post is a little more serious than those previously.

Recently, I read a post from a woman's blog that indicated her stance on Masturbation.  Although I wholeheartedly agree that there is too much shame going around in the church (and by all means... LDS-ers do not have a capital on that... Shame abounds regardless of religious denomination), I respectfully, have a different point of view.

In the article, Ms. Parker uses the research that even babies in the womb are found to be self stimulating and thus such behavior is natural.  If we use that argument we could also say that Marijuana or tobacco is a plant and thus natural, wine comes from grapes and so it is natural, coffee comes from a bean and that is natural too.  Thus many of the things that the Lord has commanded us not to partake in are natural.

King Benjamin taught, "The natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord." (Mosiah 3:19).

In my profession, I work with many individuals who struggle with sexual addiction. In 99% of the cases, their struggles began as youth with masturbation.  In the majority of those cases, pornography was also a significant part of their behavior.  Within the past 10 years, there has been tremendous amounts of research showing how compulsive masturbation and viewing pornography does significant damage to the brain - comparable to the damage done by meth, cocaine, heroine, and other hard-core drugs. For more information on this, please check out this link.

In many of the individuals with whom I work who struggle with other addictions, I have found a similar pattern.  It started out with a "gateway" drug.  Something that didn't seem to be that big of a deal.  A couple of hits on a joint or a few glasses of alcohol.  And then they find themselves eventually in a place where they are unable to stop and their lives begin to fall apart as a consequence.


Obviously not everyone who smokes a joint or masturbates or drinks alcohol becomes addicted. However, when we look at the definition of addiction:  The use of any substance or behavior to numb pain or control how we feel that cannot be stopped even in light of significant consequences and whose life begins to be unmanageable as a result; and then we look at the world we live in and notice that we are the most addicted, most medicated, most in debt, and most obese adult cohort in the history of the world - we can see that there are a lot of people in this world finding ways to numb themselves from having to feel anything.

It is not my place to judge anyone's behavior.  As I said earlier, there is a tremendous amount of shame going around.  For me to say to someone, "You are bad or evil because you.....(fill in the blank)" is shameful.  As President Uchtdorf quoted, it would be like me judging you because you sin differently than me.  

It is the issue of numbing that I believe to be the prominent concern and that is why, I believe, that God has given us such commandments as the Word of Wisdom and the Law of Chasity.  When we are numb emotionally, we are also numb spiritually and then we become disconnected in all aspects of our lives. 

Ms. Parker correctly identified that a key component of sexual compulsions is a sense of disconnection or detachment from real relationships.  That detachment occurs gradually.  It occurs every time a person uses a behavior or a substance to control how they feel. And then over time, the individual is completely disconnected... in their marriages, in their jobs, in their friendships, in their congregations, etc.

I don't disagree that we are sexual beings.  So are all the other animals in the animal kingdom. But we also operate at a much higher level than all of the other animals in the animal kingdom. And with greater capacity to choose comes greater responsibility... especially with the ultimate power of creating life.  I don't think we fully comprehend the gift that has been given to us as His children to create life.  I don't think that that power should be mocked in any degree.

Of course it is natural to be interested in our own bodies and how they work. What I have found with many of the individuals with whom I work who struggle with sexual compulsions is that they really have very little knowledge and understanding of how their bodies actually work. They would get so caught up in the physical sensations of the behavior that they didn't really didn't pay attention to what else was going on.

Sexuality is part of intimacy.  There are a whole lot of people in this world that engage in sexual activity, but have little to no intimacy (including married couples).   Of course there is a need to understand ourselves and who we are before we can share that with others. At the same time, engaging in behaviors such as masturbation to soothe those feelings of loneliness and isolation can actually make things worse for the person - not because they have engaged in any sinful behaviors, but because their brains are releasing chemicals that have been designed to help them connect with others intimately and there is no one there to connect to.  It can leave them feeling more disconnected and more lonely, which leads them to engage in the behavior again and again... trying  to compensate for those painful feelings, but not actually getting any lasting resolution.

In my opinion, what it really boils down to is this.... is the behavior we are engaging in (regardless of the behavior) keeping us from having an intimate connection with our Heavenly Father?  This requires us to be more mindful about what is happening inside ourselves spiritually, emotionally, physically, etc.  But as I said earlier, most of the adults I know aren't that aware.  We all run around being busy, eating badly, hypnotized by electronic screens of one kind or another, and not really aware of what we are experiencing.  

And if we are numb, then how effective are we as husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, fathers, mothers, friends, and in being connected with our Heavenly Father?

Elder Holland spoke of the boundaries that the Lord has set.  A video by the LDS church summarizing his remarks follows:


I believe that Heavenly Father has establish boundaries to help us stay connected with Him.  When we step out of those bounds, even a little, we move away from Him.  His love for us does not diminish when we move away.  His desire to bless us does not diminish when we move away.  But our ability to feel Him as strongly in our lives is diminished.  Our ability to be fully aware of what is happening in our own bodies and minds is diminished.   Out ability to connect with other people is consequently diminished.  Crossing the line does not make us bad or evil... we just end up cutting ourselves off from the light source that I personally think we need desperately, especially in a world that has so much darkness in it as ours does today.

As a father, I understand boundaries.  There are rules and guidelines in my home for a reason.  Because I don't want my children to get hurt nor do I want their behaviors to hurt others.  What I want most for my children is for them to be as in tune to our Heavenly Father, His Son Jesus Christ, and to the Holy Ghost that they can feel the peace they will absolutely need during times of challenge; so they can be guided in making the best decisions possible along their journeys, so they can have as much love for their fellow journeyers as possible, and so they can feel as much connection with the Light and Love as possible.  

Because of this, we have rules in our home.  If my children break the rules, we try so hard not to shame them. Instead we try to work with them to help them understand what happens to them when they fall outside of the boundaries.  We try to help them begin to learn to act for themselves so that they will be fully prepared to govern themselves when they are able to do so independent of their earthly parents. What we hope is that they will not separate themselves from their Heavenly Parents or the Powers of Heaven that are available to them.




When I have a teen or an adult come into my office with a concern about a behavior they are engaging in, I explore with them how they feel after they have engaged in the behavior.  I don't tell them that they are bad or evil if they engage in such a behavior.  I don't quote scripture or judge them.  I work with them to help them figure out for themselves whether this behavior is helping them or hindering them from becoming the person they want to be.  If they decide that the behavior is causing them to numb themselves, then we begin to look deeper at what is going on in the person's life that would lead them to want to numb.  

As pointed out by Ms. Parker, currently the Church does not have an official statement about masturbation.  It is not my place to make a recommendation one way or the other about that.  I simply believe that if one is going to engage in that behavior (or any other for that matter) they be encouraged to do so mindfully, noticing what happens to them spiritually, emotionally, relationally, cognitively, and physically and then determine whether that behavior is helping to numb or enhance all of those areas of their lives.  Does such behavior help them feel more connected to God, their loved ones, and themselves, or does it cause them to feel less connected.    And if it causes a sense of disconnection, perhaps it would be important to examine that further.  It may be that although there is not an official statement about it from the church, the individual may determine to make it their own personal boundary statement because they find that engaging in such behavior causes them to feel disconnected instead of connected.
 

 


Sunday, August 5, 2012

A Bitter Sweet Night

By Troy Love

It has been the tradition in our family for me to give Elizabeth a Father's blessing the night before school starts. Because school starts tomorrow, our tradition happened again tonight.  Only this time it wasn't just Elizabeth.

My energetic and full of life little Benjamin starts Kindergarten tomorrow morning.  He enters into a whole new world in less than 24 hours. 

I read something recently that from the moment children come into the world, parents begin to have opportunities to learn to let go.  It doesn't happen all at once, but little by little, year by year parents begin to let go. 

Even though I want to hold on to both of my children so tightly and protect them from the world, I am also very aware of how smothering will only keep them from being who they are.  Steven Stosny identified five core needs we have as humans: the need for appreciation, acceptance, affection, affirmation, and being allowed to be ourselves.  I know how important these needs are in my life and I also know how much my kids need these met as well.

Prior to giving them their blessings, I sat down with each of my kids individually.  Ben informed me that he wasn't afraid to go to Kindergarten and that he is excited about playing on the playground.  He said he was excited to meet new friends.

Elizabeth was more curious. She wanted to know what memories I had from second grade.  Perhaps my most memorable memory was the morning I ran to school because I was late. It was a cold winter morning and by the time I got to school, I was so hot. I thought that a good lick from the cold handrail would cool me down... not so much. My tongue froze to the metal and I had to rip it off in order to get to class.

Elizabeth said that she too was not nervous about going back to school other than wanting to get good grades.  She described the anxiety she feels to get A's in school is like having butterflies exploding on her insides.  She is only 7 and she is already worried about perfection.  I often contemplate just how much pressure we put on these kids.  She said she wants good grades so she can get a scholarship for college when she grows up.

As proud as I am for her to want to be successful, I also want her just to be a 7 year old.  I know that these two kiddos will grow up faster than I want and I know that one day I will really have to let go of them, but just for tonight as I held each one and placed my hands on their heads, I was grateful for this special moment enjoying them just where they are.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Happy Birthday Harry!

By Troy Love

Tuesday was Harry Potter's birthday. I remember where I was the night I first learned about him. I was the cashier at Barnes and Noble. A woman came to the cash wrap with a children's book with a boy on a broomstick on the cover.  I didn't think anything of it.

A few minutes later, another woman came up with the same book. I thought it was somewhat strange, but passed it off as a coincidence.

A few minutes later, a third woman came up with the same book. "You are the 3rd person to buy this book in 30 minutes. What is so special about this book?" The woman explained to me that she had heard the author reading a portion on the radio and it sounded so good that she just had to stop by and get a copy.

After she left, I looked up Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone on the computer only to discover that there was only one book left. I quickly bought it. The store didn't get more in stock for 2 months and by then, Harry had become an overnight sensation.

I read all 7 books to my wife (our children hadn't come yet when the first books came out).  We have great memories of reading them together.  We both cried when Dumbledore died.

There is so much about the books that I loved, but perhaps the part I most resonated with is a boy who had to deal with some very intense, very challenging trials, and never gave up. He had loved ones around him to support him, but he also had to face some things alone.

There were times that he was stubborn and tried to do it all by himself and there were times that he leaned on his support for strength. 

As my children grow up in a world of war where people fight over a chicken food chain and Satan has infiltrated every corner of the world, I hope that my children can have friends like Ron and Hermione to support them in their battles.  As much as I hope and pray that they won't have battles to fight, experience has taught me otherwise.  There will always be battles to fight and mountains to climb.

And although Harry is fictional, he inspires. Perhaps that is why he is so famous. He was an ordinary boy who was loved enough that he changed the world. Sounds like my two kids... and like Harry, I expect I will see some great things from them as they grow up.